Basically I am on to you. It started with Zero Percent Fancy. I saw them open up for Aguilera Film Debut at Club Worship and bought their CD. I played it at a reasonable volume in my cubicle the following day. You stopped by to ask me if we’d heard back from the lawyers on the McClelland Pomegranate issue. You then (this is the important part) inquired as to what I was listening to. I informed you. You dismissed it, saying it reminded you of pre-comeback Belinda Carlisle.

W-T-F, but whatever.

Well! How interesting then to see you wearing a ZPF t-shirt at the Bright Color Assailant show just two months later!

The next day at the office I asked you about it and you said “Oh yeah, Damien bought their CD and it’s so good, you should really check it out, they’re amazing.”

Huh. Hmmm. Oh really. Well how about that. Why don’t I just go ahead and do that.

Damien. Your friend. The “bassist.” It is just somewhat fascinating that if I profess enthusiasm for a band, it gets poo-poo’d, but should Damien–the bassist–enthuse about the same band, the entire world must slow down long enough for you to purchase all their paraphernalia. Perhaps if I wore glasses and utilized a goopy product in my hair my opinions about music might count for something.

Well, lest this behavior continue unabated, I am taking measures. I have created a spreadsheet, thusly:

And so now every time you enter into my cubicle, I will be playing the music of a band which you will no doubt be totally clueless about. Hands Down Cutest, perhaps? Or Cherrie Ziad? I will say: “This is [band], they are so good.” And you can then feel free to frown or hoist your nose aloft or what have you. I will note the date and time and circumstances of your reaction. You cannot win. Surely before too long you will fall victim to your own snobbery. Damien seems to catch on to bands about a solid two months after I do. Usually when their album gets reviewed in CMJ, hmmm interesting, what a news hound! So the next time you deny prior knowledge or introduction, I cannot wait. This is probably going to be the best spreadsheet I ever made. I cannot wait.

Damien, that’s a whole other story. Shirts_Damien_Wears.ppt is in the works, and it is one mother fuck of a presentation, believe you me.