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We all know from personal experience that the current state of public restrooms is lamentable at best. Most businesses are guilty of committing a grievous error before their customers have even opened the door to their restrooms…by having a door at all! Let’s face it, in today’s busy society, people do not always remember to wash their hands as often as they should. And in good conscience, we cannot rely on the customer to fully understand the importance of proper hand-washing, no matter what they go into the bathroom to do. There’s no sense in kidding ourselves: door knobs and handles are a haven for bacteria. Some establishments try to try to side-step this by utilizing doors that open by pushing or pulling. This is all very well for customers who have sleeves they can pull down over their hands before touching the door, but what about the large (ever-increasing, my admittedly unacademic research has shown) population of customers who do not wear long sleeves? What’s more, I don’t think we need a scientific study to tell us that shirtsleeves are rarely 100% effective barriers against the more resilient bacteria and viruses. Clearly, the best option is therefore to remove the door entirely. Patrons should enter and exit the bathroom via a long U-shaped hallway. This will keep patrons free from worrying about prying eyes, but grateful for not having been made to touch any unkempt surfaces.

This introduces the idea of something I call “Touchless Toileting.” Touchless Toileting is the cornerstone of the successful sanitary public restroom experience. It’s a theme that is repeated in many ways throughout the customer’s encounter with the lavatory facilities. None of the fixtures in the restroom need be operated manually. Water faucets, soap dispensers, electric hand dryers, even toilet-flushing mechanisms (especially toilet-flushing mechanisms) for both urinals and commodes are triggered by infrared sensors. The less shared contact between physical surfaces, the cleaner the bathroom, and the healthier the customer.

I anticipate your next question: “But what about the doors on toilet stalls, Jason? Won’t people have to touch them?”

Well I don’t know, will they?

Surely there’s a way to balance sanitation with privacy. The Touchless Toileting experience allows for stall doors that open and close automatically, via infrared sensor. I envision a small sensor on the inside of the stall which causes the multi-paneled door to bend and retract into the wall, or into a compartment within the divisor between stalls. Once inside the stall, the patron waves his or her hand over the sensor, causing the door to close and lock, thereby preventing outsiders from opening the door from the outside. The patron’s business completed, a final hand wave over the sensor will unlock and open the door, leaving the stall open for the next person. (More about that in a bit.)

This may sound like a somewhat “futuristic” approach, but I would not be at all surprised if doors like this were already in use by the military and government. The technology surely exists, it’s simply a matter of making it available to the private sector.

But, you ask, and rightly so, what happens to the toilet after the patron leaves? Even with the best intentions and thorough care, we do not always leave the toilet in the same pristine state we found it. What can we do to make sure that each person who enters the toilet stall feels as if he or she is the first person to ever use it? And in a related note, doesn’t the fact that we’re providing toilet seats for people to sit on go against the very notion of “Touchless Toileting?”

Believe me, in a perfect world, we would install the Japanese washiki-style toilets in all our restrooms. They offer a toileting experience that is both more hygienic and easier for business owners to maintain. Unfortunately this is not Japan, and we need to work within the limits of our customer’s expectations. Western bathroom users, suddenly confronted by squat toilets, would likely become agitated and cause more of a mess than they would have under normal circumstances. On a personal level, I remain hopeful that the world will one day be more open to other, preferable methods of toileting, but that is a project outside the scope of this restaurant and best put aside for now.

Instead, here is my proposal: in our bathroom, each stall will be cleaned, washed and dried after every use. With the proper application of technology, this is not as far-fetched as it sounds. My plans call for bathroom stalls which can be hermetically sealed. The act of a patron leaving a stall triggers a series of automations. Firstly, and most importantly, the toilet flushes. Secondly, the door to the stall closes and locks. The door is full-length and extends to the floor. The walls of each stall cubicle extend to the ceiling. Once the door is closed, the stall is completely sealed and impenetrable. The toilet paper dispenser closes, protecting the paper from the shower of scalding water that then shoots down from above. No ordinary water, this is a concentrated blend of cleaning solutions delivered at high speeds and temperatures to effectively eliminate all bacteria on any suface in the stall. The runoff drains down through the floor, and there follows a blast of hot, forceful wind, to rapidly dry the surfaces. Finally, the coup de grace: the toilet paper dispenser opens again, and twin tiny metal arms emerge from either side of the roll to fold the corners of the toilet paper up. This final touch, employed by maids in all the world’s finest hotels, admittedly does not make the environment demonstrably cleaner, but it has the effect of putting the next patron at ease. It will keep them mindful of the pristine nature of the environment. They will appreciate the small touch as the stall door opens, displaying the toilet displayed in its near-perfect glory.

Please note that I’m only detailing broad hygenic considerations here. Obviously the environment itself can be molded to fit the decor of the restaurant.

Much like the Hellenic ideals of sweetness and light, Touchless Toileting is not so much a destination as it is a journey. We will continually make improvements as new technologies emerge—the restroom in a constant state of evolution—as we strive to create the most perfect, safe environment for our customers.

And that’s really what it’s all about. By keeping our customers clean, we are keeping them safe. By keeping them safe, we are building their trust. People will always return to that which they trust, that which makes them feel safe. I am confident that the utilization of the Touchless Toileting system will increase our business hundred-fold.

Thank you for your consideration. Thank you for sharing my enthusiasm for clean public toilets. Together we will change the world. Please see me for further details and more complete plans.

The Best Person of 2005. Rosalie’s grandmother is in a nursing home, and a lot of times I’ll be the person who goes and collects her and brings her to the house for dinner. Going to the nursing home is not exactly fun, because there’s always one old woman hitting a staff person and yelling about how she just wants to be left alone, or a bunch of people shivering on stretchers in the hallway, or a group of old women just sitting in wheelchairs and looking up at you like “Please either get me out of here or do something to make this all end.”

Anyways one time I went and there was a flautist and pianist in the common area, playing songs for the residents. The flute struck me as a little shrill, but whatever, it’s nice of them to try to entertain people who were wheeled there against their will and certainly won’t be clapping between songs. So I walked through and went and collected Rosalie’s grandmother and was standing at the desk to sign her out when another very old woman shuffled up to me. She just stood there for a second and waited until she was sure she had my attention, and then she said, in the gravelly, exasperated voice of the aged and desperate: “That music will burn your eyes out.”

That woman is my Best Person of 2005.

The best word of 2005 was disambiguation. It’s used on Wikipedia to help drill down through related topics with similar names. I like it because it’s a delicious combination of syllables that almost swallows itself whole with self-negation as you say it. And it caused me to wonder if it sprang to life after being born in an episode of the Simpsons. We could use more words like that.

Thanks to Matt for taking this picture of Fever Dream Ghost Book on the shelves at Quimby's in Chicago.

There are still some copies of FDGB available, and they make an excellent stocking-stuffer for your hard-to-shop-for friend.

Ordering information.

download Quizas, Quizas, Quizas (right-click, save-as)

What’s a word for languorous, but with a good connotation. Whatever that word is is what I was shooting for here. Not languid. Something with an L and a G though. Not lugubrious. Anyways. My accent here is probably like nails on a chalkboard to any non-native English speakers who might happen to stumble on this, but let’s face it, they probably won’t.

But anyways there are some chord substitutions in here that I dig, plus the second chorus is like the best singer-on-Telemundo impersonation I can do. Come on. At least give me that. Don’t deny me my desire to appear on Sabado Gigante some day.

If I put the word “podcast” in this entry will it be more popular, I wonder.

and if I was given a sixth choice it would Howard Shore’s soundtrack to the movie Crash (JG Ballard, not Thandie Newton).

Kata was crouching just outside the door, poking her head around every few moments to see what Annapurna was doing.

Morgan was using her lock-pick set to unlock the file cabinets that lined the wall behind Annapurna’s desk.

“What about now?” Morgan whispered.

Still staring out the window with the binoculars. Muttering something. And don’t worry about constant updates, I’ll let you know when something changes.

“OK, but just let’s stay focused. This is a risky operation.”

Morgan opened a drawer and began quickly flipping through the hanging files, lifting a page here and there, scanning its contents and stuffing it back down into its folder.

It’s risky because you are making it risky.

“Whoa, what’s this?” Morgan squinted and held a page up close to her face. “A receipt for a…Elliptical Machine. What’s that? Sounds like a time-travel device. That would be some shit right there.”

It’s something that you do some exercising with.

“Oh. Eh,” Morgan said. She hesitated, not sure whether to put the page back in the file or in the green satchel. “Well, if there’s an exercise room we should try to find it, I guess. Despite exercise sucking.” She stuffed the page in the bag and turned back to the files.

We could just do this at night, you know. After Annapurna’s gone home.

“That’s hardly sporting, Kata.”

“Uh, yeah. We could also, I don’t know, drug Jason and have him slur it all out. And then read the last page of a book first. And read some spoilers online instead of going to the movies.”

You don‘t take me to the movies.

“But do you get what I’m saying?”

Shhh, quiet.

The girls froze and waited. They heard Annapurna grunt in frustration, then go to Jason’s desk and pick up the phone. She murmured something to someone, then hung up and went back to the window. After a few long moments, Kata nodded and Morgan returned to her rifling. She inspected a few more pages and stashed them in the bag.

“Come on,” she whispered. “All the floors in this building, there has to be more. There has to be a lot more.”

If we get caught you’re on your own. I am not interested in getting kicked out of yet another place.

“Notice that we’re not going through Annapurna’s desk. Notice we’re carefully avoiding any areas where anything personal to her might be. We’re merely, what, availing ourselves of the company files. Public property.”

Are you looking for something specific? Is there a particular kind of room you’re hoping for? Or do you think maybe there’s some secret treasure hidden somewhere in the building?

“Ah! What the fuck! A pool? I knew it.” She held a page out towards Kata, who was too far away to read it. “Kata, there’s a pool. He‘s holding out on me.” She folded the page and tucked it into the bag. “No, there’s no secret treasure.”

Morgan closed one drawer and opened another. Kata looked and saw Annapurna still watching the street through the binoculars.

“What’s this?” Morgan held up a piece of paper, then turned it upside-down, then back again. “A square? A floor.” She tilted her head. “What are these dotted lines? I think they installed something in the floor.”

The building has a secret floor?

“No not a floor like the 3rd floor. They installed something beneath the floor that you walk on. Language is being totally inadequate here.”

On what floor?

“What?”

On what floor did they install something beneath the floor?

“Um, doesn’t say. But whatever, it’s a cl—”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”

It was Annapurna, screaming. Their hearts sank and pulses raced. There was no way to cover this up, they were definitely caught.

But no, she was still in the other room, with the binoculars. She was yelling at the street.

“Just fucking walk! God! What is he doing? THERE ARE NO CARS, CROSS THE STREET, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“Alright, let’s get out of here,” Morgan whispered. “She‘s getting agitated, if she caught us now she’d just be misdirecting her anger towards us.“ She closed and locked the drawers, grabbed a small stack of papers off the top of the cabinet and stuffed them into the bag. Kata was still peering around the corner, watching Annapurna. Morgan grabbed Kata by the wrist and pulled her towards the hallway.

“The sign says ‘Walk.’ Oh my god, it says ‘Walk,’ please just go.”

Copies of Twelve Times Lost have been spotted at Powell’s Bookstore in Portland. In the photo below there’s some prime placement next to Seamus Heaney’s Beowulf and something by Jane Smiley.

How jazzy is that. I ask you.

Also, there are copies of Fever Dream Ghost Book for sale at Quimby’s Bookstore in Chicago, but I have yet to obtain photographic evidence. But I will, barring a total rush and complete sell-out, of course. And it feels like anything’s possible today.

“In the future will we have to digitally capture every second of our lives? Have every human interaction filed and categorized and Google-able? I tell you, honestly, right now? I wouldn’t be against it. Fuck it, record everything. Get the government involved, if necessary. Anything would be better than what we have now, which is memory and conjecture and heresay. Where has memory gotten us? It’s gotten me here. My father is living in my building and refuses to leave on his own accord. If I get the police involved, he will tell them that I have two underage female runaways living with me. And he acts as though I’m the bad guy in this.

“Here, I’m going to write this down. This is what I want, this is what I need. Get me this:”

Google: [person: “Jason Cronin” + “fight with my dad”]

Jeff doesn’t have a blog, so I took it upon myself to ensure that this anecdote was mentioned somewhere on the internet. Paris Hilton waves at you, you blog it. It’s in the manual.

Careful readers will have noted that the most interesting thing about this is not that Paris Hilton waved at my friend Jeff (he is, after all, strikingly handsome, and she is, after all, anyone’s for a dollar), but rather the realization that Paris drives her own car. And in mid-town, no less.

Thank you for reading this anecdote about the time Paris Hilton waved to a person while seated in a car.

Halloween is coming up, so plan ahead and have your ghost stories organized beforehand.

More info on ordering Fever Dream Ghost Book

1. By the time I was 7, I’d been taking piano lessons for two years. Upon having my mind completely blown by the video for “On the Loose,” I took great pains to learn the piano/guitar solo, and great pride in the fact that I was able to play it at the proper tempo, along with the record. I remember one night, playing it for my babysitter, who kept saying “Wow, play it again!” and I thought Man she must really be impressed with how well I know this part of a Saga song. But in hindsight, she was just trying to keep me occupied while she talked on the phone with her boyfriend.

2. The second single off Saga’s Worlds Apart was a barnstormer of a tune called “Wind Him Up.” It was about a guy named Aldo who was trying to win some money by gambling. Trust me that the song is way awesomer than it sounds. Anyways it inspired me to write my first song. Well, my first lyrics. It was a song about a certain gentleman named Indiana Jones, whose movie had recently rocked my world. Technically all my song did was copy the lyrics and melody of “Wind Him Up” and replace the name “Aldo” with the name “Indy.” Still, I actually wrote the words down and everything, in a little notebook in the backseat of the car while we drove home from grandma’s.